How to Keep the Spark Alive by Creating More Novelty In Your Relationship

How to Keep the Spark Alive by Creating More Novelty In Your Relationship

As I stated in my post about Intimacy Throughout The Family Life Cycle, one of the most popular questions I get as a marriage & family therapist is how to keep the spark alive. And then I said that there were lots of reasons your spark may begin to sputter. For example, lots of couples discover that at some point, the mystery seems to be gone. They feel like they know everything about their partner, and there’s nothing new left to discover about them. To put it succinctly, there’s no novelty left in their relationship.


Esther Perel, my favorite famous therapist, went around the world asking couples when they felt the most “spark” with their partner. When did they feel the most drawn to them? Not just sexually, but in general. The most pervasive answer that she found– transcending culture, gender, class, etc– was when I get to see my partner in their element.

People love seeing their partner onstage, doing their job, connecting with others, enjoying their hobbies. As much as people need to work in systems because it allows us to gain new strengths and minimize personal weaknesses, a well-oiled machine is pretty monotonous to watch. It doesn’t mean it’s not working, but it’s not fun. This new or novel perspective allows you to see your partner as something outside of your couple system for a little while. You get to see them as they are rather than as a function of your relationship.

For me, the best thing about adding novelty to keep the spark alive in a relationship is that you don’t even need to make extra time for it. All you really need to do is pay attention!


Find More Novelty

In my premarital counseling education course on Teachable, I help couples learn to keep the spark alive with bonuses like free downloads, videos, and book recommendations. Sign up for my email list below and receive an exclusive 15% off reserved for website readers like yourself!


Add Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *